The Adventure of the Pinball Wizard

     Ah, the magic that surrounds Christmas. It is my absolute favorite holiday, and today’s post has its origins in a Christmas long ago.

                One Christmas morning, we awoke to the usual treasure trove of toys placed lovingly about our living room. Our childlike attentions, though, quickly zeroed in on one gift in particular, a gift that stands as a testament for Santa Claus’ ability to bend the laws of physics. See, the Jolly Old Sprite had somehow managed to wedge a full-sized pinball machine down our chimney. I’ve done the math. It shouldn’t have fit. Yet, there it was, basking in its own electric glory. Whirlwind.

                After the initial excitement wore off, and, believe me, that took some time – by the third day I was thoroughly sick and tired of neighbors coming over and not giving my brand new Lego rocket ship the attention it deserved. Anyway, as I said, after the initial flurry of excitement had died down, the scoreboard showed a high score of 15,000,000 points. Blinking next to this obscenely high score was the moniker of the dastardly fiend who had set such accolades so far out of reach as to be unattainable by a mere mortal such as myself. These three little letters seemed to mock me every time I inserted my quarter to have another go; they read D-A-D.

Time progressed, Whirlwind migrated from our living room to the basement, but the high score remained. Second, third, and even fourth positions were filled with my glorious initials, JGH, but that top spot eluded even my most valiant attempts. Occasionally, I would return to the machine after a busy day of school only to find an SWH, initials associated with my younger brother, Seth, flashing on the LED display. With pure pinball skill flowing from my fingertips, however, I easily ceased his unworthy tag from profaning my scoreboard.

                I awoke one morning to find that my pinball machine had discovered a voice. The LED matrix displayed the following taunt: Dad Rules! Joseph and Seth Droolwind! The word ‘Droolwind’ flashed violently, tormenting me – haunting me. Something had to be done, but as I said before, the standard was set so high, I could not, of current ability, attain the peak.

                So, practice ensued. I became consumed with working the table, milking it for every point I could get it to give me. As I played, Dad became ever the smugger, going so far as to offer a $20.00 cash reward for anyone who could successfully claim the top spot. I was determined to get it.

                One fateful evening, as sunlight streamed through the small windows, illuminating the playfield with a movie-quality intensity, I went on a roll. Seth, my faithful companion, blustered with excitement as I broke 5,000,000, and sprinted to the adjoining computer room as I passed the 10,000,000 mark. Lights flashed, storms of electricity arced up and down the slanted surface as I moved digital storms across the table. Multiball after multiball, followed by a number of extra balls propelled my perspiring form toward the number 1 seat. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, excitement and anticipation caused me to tremble with delight. I was going to break the record!

            Then, the inevitable happened. From the world above, a bellow,

“Kids, dinner’s ready!”

Almost in unison, the entire party – consisting of every other member of my family – yelled,

“Just a minute, Mom!”

Regaining my focus in an instant, I surged forward, the Spirit of Tommy guiding my every flick. Flippers raced in concert, bumpers ricocheted the ball from one end of the deck to the other, bonus points tallied their way in rapid succession onto the scoreboard, but, despite my best efforts, the little metal sphere that contained my entire destiny took one wrong turn and dropped down the gutter.

It was over.

But, with as much triumph as I could muster, I screamed for joy, knowing that I had shattered the record! The special rock music blasted from the speakers, confirming everything I had worked my entire kid life for: I had dethroned the King.

I gloated, I bragged, I waved that $20 bill under everyone’s nose. My initials occupied top spot. I no longer ‘drooled wind.’ I had slain the Beast. Whirlwind was mine. I had emerged from the melee triumphant. I was a Pinball Wizard.

At least I was until the following week, when my glory was yanked out from under me by my turncoat younger brother. Yup, SWH broke 20,000,000, and I was left to rise, in manner most triumphant, from the ashes of defeat.

But that’s a story for another day.